March on.

/wrote this on 1 March 2021 but am continuing on 28 March 2021 LOL. This post took me a long time to write because I just feel so listless./

Hello. It's March 2021. Time zooms past at the start of the year. A part of me is like how is it already March when I feel like I have barely achieved anything?? And another part of me is like how is it only March when I feel like I've already been through a lot in just 2 months. 

January was a depressing month. It was only the 3rd or 4th day of the year, when we received news that my aunt jo is diagnosed with cancer. It came as a huge shock, because it's the first cancer case in my family. We didn't know how to process things. There was a lot of denial and disbelief. All I remember was how my family constantly gathered at my aunt's house for days and weeks and the adults were having a very (unhealthy) sob fest. They cried everyday. The young ones like us were helpless. Fortunately, the cancer is at its early stages. With how advanced technology is, I believe that there will always be a cure. All we can do is to pray and pray that there will not be relapse. 

I remember the guilt I felt. I struggled (and am still struggling) to be a good support system for my family. I didn't know what to do or what to say to make them feel better or comforted. Everyday I dreaded going home because there was so much negativity. I felt immense guilt whenever I was watching my Youtube videos or dramas and break into laughter or smiles because of the content of the videos, because it was not the time to be smiling or laughing. I should be grieving. 

The guilt I felt when I was hungry and have too much of an appetite, because how can one still have the appetite to eat when everyone else is grieving? How dare you eat and eat and eat when people can't even find the stomach to swallow the food. 

In February, the family finally seemed to accept things as it is. We tried to act like things are normal, and chemotherapy process for the aunt commenced. For some reason, I've been tasked to take care of her daily. I've been going over to their house everyday (unless I have to go to the office) and it's honestly sucking a lot of my energy. You all know how much I dislike going over to their house on weekends. And LOL the world is against me. Now I have to be there 7 days a week. 

To be honest, cancer is really very mentally draining, for both the patient and for people around them. 

Everyday I feel like a sponge soaking up all the negativity. Being there 7 days a week is very mentally tiring and frustrating because my family thinks that I'm not really working when I'm working from home. I can be in a middle of a meeting, and my aunt(s) just keeps walking around and talking loudly, or even using the vacuum when I told them I'm in a meeting. And my aunt likes to offload her negativity on me. I don't know how to describe, but like when I'm working, she will sit behind me and start sighing and saying a lot of negative stuff. It's funny because I observed when others are around, she won't do this!!!! She only does this when we are the only people at home.  

I should be more understanding but I'm almost at my limit because I feel so depressed now. I don't want to wrongly use the word depressed at the same time but I am really really very tired. I keep reminding myself to be tolerant, patient and loving, but the selfishness in me always threatens to burst. I wish I was a better person, but I'm not. I'm just a selfish being at the end of the day. Everyday I struggle with this guilt and I don't know. I just hope that I'll really really see things in a positive light and be more understanding. Afterall, I'm not the one with cancer and I will never know how much pain they are in.