just a ball of nerves.

Was being dramatic and emotional and sobbing just now while packing my luggage for my business trip in 2 days (since it is past midnight now).

As I haven't been in a good mental space now (trying to cope with grief as well as heightened work stress), going on a trip (for work or for leisure) is least of my priorities now. 

While packing, I started sobbing, and telling my mum how I have always wanted to be independent and do "grown-up things" like travel without her and going on a business trip etc., but this time, I feel like I need her with me. I really don't feel the excitement of all these (the me 6 months ago would have jumped in joy when getting this opportunity) because the timing is just too off. With everything that has happened and is happening, I really need some emotional support. I feel so uncertain about so many things and I'm so worried for some unknown reason that a ball of anxiety just bubbled within me, and I need my mum to assure me that everything will be alright. 

I'm usually a lot more stronger and braver than this, and I have no idea what I'm feeling so defeated and down. Bern told me it is ok to feel this way. 

Perhaps I just need to take some time off for myself, for myself to process my thoughts and to pull myself together, but I can't even find time to do so. 

// edit //

哭过就好了。现在比较轻松一点点。