hitting a new low in life.

I hit a new low in life last Thursday, 3 Oct. 

Our affiliates invited us for a bonding session over dinner and drinks. We had dinner at SimplyLive, and the food was really not too bad (mainly finger food since it's like a karaoke bar concept). 

We had a huge glass of beer each, and we shared 6 bottles of soju among 5 of us, and the drunks were downed very quickly because we played games and those drinking games usually end in a flash. 

Perhaps we ate too early, and too quickly, that when the second round of drinks arrived, my food had already digested and I started feeling queasy. I was fine when sitting down, but the moment we stood up to leave the bar, I immediately told Yvette, "Shit, I'm going to puke."

I started gagging and letting out gas (from my mouth, not from my ass HAHAHA), and seconds later, I keeled over and started puking. No food came out, just lots of liquid, probably my gastric juice???? 

I puked twice. Ben (Yvette's husband) arrived to pick her up and he saw the scene and he burst out laughing like mad. Right after vomitting, I stood upright and told everyone, I AM FINE. It's true, I instantly sobered. It wasn't like those scenes in dramas where people immediately knock out after vomiting. Instead, I really sobered up. My stomach instantly felt better and I stood upright, as if nothing happened. It's really quite funny now that I think back about it. 

Not going to lie, it was lowkey embarrassing to be puking in front of people. It felt so dirty and loserish, but it was truly an interesting experience, to hit such a low moment in life. 

I usually hold my liquor well, so I (and Yvette) were very shocked over this. 

On a random note, Olivia Ong was celebrating her birthday at the bar, and the band invited her up to sing the iconic 如燕. This song is truly a masterpiece. Mediacorp is currently filming the sequel to Little Nonya and I will definitely watch it!!

Good company (not my company but the people yeah), good vibes. If only every moment at work is filled with joy. 

#dreamlog 1 - my precious ah mah.

I haven't dreamt about my ah mah in a very very long time. 

On Friday night, I dreamt that I was sharing a bed with my ah mah, and I finally got to see her. I shouted "AH MA 我很想你!!". The ah mah in my dream kept combing my hair, as how she had always done so for me when she was still alive. It is also interesting to note that in my dreams, my ah mah always remains silent and do not talk. Instead, she always gives a gentle smile. 

I miss you my ah mah. We are approaching your 5th anniversary in a few more weeks. 

an exit strategy.

I've been mulling over things for several weeks now, and I think it's time to finally plan my exit strategy from this company. I have always said this in passing but things have gotten so ugly and taken a turn for worse that I think that my mental health is at its all-time low now. I have three upcoming trips (excluding the business trip in October which I am no longer keen in going for), and this means, by end of of November, I should be sending out some resumes to companies. The thing about this is the job market is really really bad now. And it also means I will also forfeit my bonus. But for the sake of my mental health, perhaps this is worth a gamble.

I'm just sad because my colleagues (all except one) have become an integral part of my life. They are my mentors, who guided me when I was a fresh grad and clueless to how corporate life is. They are my sisters whom I never had. They are my work mothers, who baby me at times in the office. They are my friends, whom I will even spend my time outside of work with. 

It is sad that things have come to this because of one sickening colleague and a boss who does not know how to manage his staff. But I am really really tired and I do not know how much more I can tolerate shit at work.

anxiety.

I'm experiencing so much anxiety:

1. Work.
Because I absolutely hate my assigned scope and how much my company has changed ever since the monster joined my company last year. 

2. Travel
I always have so much pre-trip jitters that I can't even bring myself to start packing my luggage.

Life is hard. 

"message sent".

my heart hurts so damn much. 

I was sending pics to my family group chat on whatsapp, and then I wanted to see if my cousin has seen the photos which I had sent of her son, so I clicked the info tab to see who has seen the messages. And I was greeted with this glaring image of my "message sent" to my late aunt. It hurts that my messages will forever be "message sent" and never be "seen by" her anymore. 

Slightly over a month ago, my other aunt informed me that she has cancelled Aunt Jo's handphone line, because it does not make sense to be holding on to her old line anymore. I know we have to be rational and cancel her number, but it just really sucks. 

How does one even get over the grief of losing a loved one? 

"A" game.

It's 12.30am and I have just done up the summary sheet for a few vessels for work. It suddenly dawned on me how much I am lagging behind in my new job scope, and I started panicking and decided to OT to catch up on work, especially since I was away on holiday last week. My manager called me and told me there is a chance that she might have to take condolence leave any time soon (her father isn't doing so well and is in critical condition) and I felt so bad that I haven't really been efficient in my work, partly because I was silently protesting about being switched out from my team without my consent and hence resisting work from this scope. But I realise that this is quite foolish of me because it is a good learning opportunity + I am usually someone who puts in 120% for my work and I shouldn't break my streak because of this.

Need to be back in my A game for work.

bleh.

I'm safely back from my biz trip. Will talk about it another day.

There have been some issues at work. It mainly stems from my job scope. One manager wants me to 100% switch to ship financing, and my assistant manager wants me to remain in treasury function. My understanding was that I would do both, but dedicate more time to ship financing, but it's not what the manager wants. There have been a lot of tension at work because of this because everyone wants different things from me, but nobody is asking me what I want too. I don't want to be a traitor and leave my current scope. I feel like I have the capacity to handle both scopes for now. And my boss. My boss always doesn't discuss things with them. There is a lack of communication. I feel like all these tension at work is my fault, even though at the same time, it isn't my fault, but a lack of communication and discussion between the higher-ups. This was something that I had raised before and I got scolded for making this comment HAHAHA but see? This kind of shit always happens.